FUN

HAVE YOU HAD YOUR ORANGE FOR TODAY?

Lulu was a prostitute, but she
didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided a whole
group of prostitutes at a sex party in
a hotel, and Lulu was among them.

The police took them outside and had
all the prostitutes line up along the  
driveway when suddenly, Lulu's grandma
came by and saw her granddaughter.
Grandma asked, "Why are you
standing in line here, dear?"

Not willing to let her grandmother
know the truth, Lulu told her
grandmother that the policemen
were passing out free oranges and
she was just lining up for some.

"Why, that's awfully nice of them.
I think I'll get some for myself,"
Grandma said, and she
proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the  line
asking for information from all of
the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma,
he was bewildered and exclaimed,
"Wow, still going at it at your age?
How do you do it?"

Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy,
dear. I just take my dentures
out, rip the skin back
and suck them dry."
The policeman fainted!

Have A Fun Day!
Keep Your Teeth In

Voodoo Penis

A business man was getting ready to go on a long
business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious
sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he
thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her
occupied while he was gone.

He went to a store that sold sex toys and started
looking around. He was browsing through the
dildos, looking for something special to please his
wife, and started talking to the old man behind the
counter. He explained his situation.

The old man said, "Well, We have vibrating dildos,
special attachments, and so on, but I don't know
of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks,
except---" and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there
is The Voodoo Penis."

"So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled
out a very old wooden box, carved with strange
symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there
lay an ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman
laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like
every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what
it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said,
"Voodoo Penis, the door."

The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box,
darted over to the door, and started pounding the
keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the
vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form
down the middle.

Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo
Penis, return to box!"

The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box
and lay there quiet once more.

"I'll take it!" said the ! businessman.

The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a
special dildo and that to use it, all she had to
do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch."

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was
unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo
Penis. She undressed, opened the box and
said, "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo
Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping.

It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before. After three mind-shattering
orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided
she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was
stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried
to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had
forgotten to tell her how to shut it off.

Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if
they could help. She put her clothes on, got in
the car and started to drive, quivering with every
thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredibly
intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road.

A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her
over. He asked for her license, and then asked how
much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had
anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this
Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it
won't stop screwing me!"

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his
head and in an arrogant voice replied,
"Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass."

The rest is history.

The Aliens

Two aliens landed in the West Texas desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it. "Greetings, earthling.  We come in peace.  Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.  The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response.  The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, earthling, we come in peace.  How dare you ignore us in this way!  Take us to your leader or I'll fire!"   The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you don't want to make him mad!"   But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.  There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature.  It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy: any guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, is someone you shouldn't mess with."

 Airline Joke

A barber had his costumer in his chair and as he was cutting his hair he ask him what he did for a living.  The man told him that he was a a baker.  "A baker well, then this haircut is on the house.  A professional courtesy."  The next morning when he opened his shop there in the doorway sat a big basked filled with bread, cookies and muffins.

That day as he was cutting a man hair the barber asked him what he did for a living.  The man told the barber he was a butcher.  "Well, then the haircut is on the house."  The next morning when he opened his shop there in the doorway packed away in dry ice were steaks &lamb chops.

That same day he was cutting away and asked his customer what he did for a living.  "Well, I'm a pilot for a major airline."  Sniffed the man in the chair.  The barber thought "Wow, a pilot. This one could really pay off ."  So, the barber said,"This haircut is on the house. It's a professional courtesy."  The next morning when the barber opened his shop there were 17 pilots lined up!

Billy

George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk  about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts  up his hand, and George asks him  what his name is. "Billy." "And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have three questions: First - why is the  USA invading Iraq without  the support of the UN?; Second - why are you  President when Al Gore gotmore  votes?;  and third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George  Bush informs the kiddies that  they  will continue after recess. When they resume  George says "Okay where  were  we? Oh  that's right - question time. Who has a question?"

A different little  boy  puts  his hand, George points him out and asks him  what his name is.  "Steve."  "And  what is your question, Steve?"

"I have five questions: First - why is the USA  invading Iraq without the  support of the UN?; Second - why are you President  when Al Gore got more votes?; Third -  whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?; Fourth  why did the recess bell  go 20  minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to  Billy?"

(Dos amogos)

Remarks: Mostly I have to thank Tim for all those funnies, one pic is from Thomas, the last pic is from Carlos.